Monthly Archives: June 2017

Leaders my leaders, welcome back!

Last week we talked about how even if you have worked hard to get healthy, family of origin issues created by dysfunctional family members can still trip us up. Today we’re going to talk about relationships / marriage. The person with whom you share your life has more of an impact on you than anyone. Your future is intertwined with them. This relationship deserves special care, and an investment of your time, effort, and energy. Getting this relationship right is one of the best gifts you can ever give yourself. Your personal and professional life can quite literally depend on it. Setting boundaries with them is essential too, but it is extraordinarily difficult not to be heavily impacted by what they choose to do. But it remains true that the healthier you are, the healthier the relationship becomes. Just like with your family of origin, it is absolutely not ok to allow them to rob you of your health or well-being in any area of your life. If you are being abused, reach out for help. You deserve better than a life of fear and pain.

Your relationship is as unique as a fingerprint. It is a living, breathing entity all its own. When you treat it as a sacred treasure, you maximize your chances of success. The examples of loving relationships we’ve seen in our lives greatly impacts how we view relationships in general, and how we act in specific situations. The good news is that we can make healthier choices about how we define relationships and how we love within them. If we are listening, our partner is telling us how to be successful with them. When we pay attention and honor them, we have successful interactions. When we don’t, we have trouble. If our partner is making a reasonable request of us, based on healthy needs, then there probably isn’t a healthy reason for opposing or defying that request. Perhaps the details will need to be negotiated, but the request itself is not objectionable. The more requests you can fulfill for each other, the happier you are going to be.

Even the strongest couples can be stressed to a breaking point if the events in their life overwhelm their coping resources. Work to build up your ability to weather any storm that comes. Learning how to provide for and protect the relationship are vital tasks for building a lifetime of success together. A major part of having a successful relationship is having the ability and the willingness to negotiate how to handle whatever life brings your way, then honoring those agreements. When you provide for and invest in your life together, you stockpile resources that can be used when life gets rough. When you put protections in place, you create a buffer zone around the relationship to help it withstand anything that arises. Then the two of you can rely on finding shelter and staying strongly connected inside that protected zone.

Until next time, work on getting things right with the one you love, or at least making some good progress for yourself!

Leaders my Leaders, welcome back!

In addition to the five major issues we previously discussed, there are two other areas that can cause us significant problems in our private and professional lives: family of origin issues, and relationship problems. Even if you have excavated your own issues and worked them through to a good resolution, other people can keep you mired in problems that are not of your own making. If you are dealing with someone who has one of the five major impairments we’ve already covered, it will have an impact on you. It’s essential that for your own well-being and the good of your team, you find ways to put good boundary lines around the problem.

Family of origin issues can follow us right into adulthood. Unhealthy families are unable to let go of control over their members. They demand that people remain in their old roles, following old rules. If anyone deviates from that script, it is considered a betrayal and punishment swiftly follows. Families of this type are especially outraged when people grow beyond the dysfunction and get healthy. Concerted efforts are usually made to get those who have wandered from the family narrative, to resubmit to family control. It isn’t just parents either. Sometimes, parents are highly supportive of their adult children, but it is the siblings who want to keep the old family ways going because they get something out of it. It is absolutely ok to love these people anyway. But it is absolutely not ok to allow them to rob you of any aspect of your health, your relationship, or your career. If you can have a conversation to ask for the changes you need, have it. But if you think it won’t be received well, or respected, then it falls to you to either limit contact with these people, or limit the impact they have on you and your life. Don’t compromise your values or well-being for them. Hold that line. Enjoy the parts of the relationship that are good, if there are any. And either head home or take a break if things get to be too much. Make a decision in advance how you are going to respond (not react) when old stuff starts up. Then stick with your plan and make adjustments as time goes on. When you refuse to yield the healthy ground you have fought for and won for yourself and your life, other people will be forced to change how they relate to you. You might not ever change who they are, how they act, or what is wrong with them, but you will change how they relate to you and sometimes, that’s enough.

Next week we’ll talk about relationships. Until then, keep making progress so that you can break free from the issues that are holding you back!

Leaders my leaders, welcome back!

Let’s continue our discussion of the categories of trouble that can bring serious strife into your personal and professional life, and shipwreck your leadership career.

4) Drama Stagers. These folks are the ones who create particularly crazy making environments. Work is a theater to them, a stage upon which to act out their moods, whims, and issues. They are well aware of their behaviors and they calculate how to use it to gain an advantage at the expense of those around them. They did not necessarily grow up in an addicted family, nor do they necessarily have any other kind of psychological problem. The defining characteristic of drama stagers is that they choose to continue acting in destructive ways because of the benefits it provides them. They can be merciless, and have no problem sacrificing other people and what is important to them. These folks have an inflexible narrative about themselves and the world. They will do anything to preserve, protect, and defend that narrative. They constantly scan for threats, challenges, or violations of their narrative. Essentially, they have decided what their life should be like and assigned the rest of us roles that support their desired objective. We are almost always unaware of our role, but we still get punished when we don’t play our part. Drama stagers attack people, not problems. They don’t want problems to be fixed, that is not their point. Spinning people in chaotic circles is the point. Drama stagers are weapons of mass disruption in the work environment, creating upheaval where there had been none before.

5) Immaturity. These people simply haven’t grown up yet. Perhaps they are lacking in skills, perhaps it is their choice. Whatever the reason, they cause plenty of chaos in the workplace because they do not handle themselves in a mature, professional manner. They are the people who ridicule, gossip, bully, harass, and otherwise show off for their buddies by being completely obnoxious. I refer to this as the arm-fart stage of development, because it is behavior typically found in a junior high cafeteria. Immature people also throw temper tantrums. Their emotional management skills are at a toddler’s level of development. They are easily insulted, offended, and angered. They can be verbally abusive, slam doors, throw things, and otherwise act out to get their way. They have adolescent style fits of rebelling and defying normal workplace protocols. These are the chronic slackers, whiners, and socializers. They cause a great deal of disruption in the workplace, all of it designed to raise their social stock or shirk responsibility.

Next week we’ll cover two other areas that can really trip us up personally and professionally. Until then, take a good honest look at the five major areas of trouble. If you recognize yourself in any of them, then it’s time to set about the hard work of changing so that you can do right by your team, your organization, and perhaps most importantly, yourself.