Yearly Archives: 2014

Life doesn’t just move on. It moves forward. ~ Deb Holland, PhD

Hello Team Destiny, it’s great to be back with you! Today we are taking a break from the destiny series because I want to share something personal with you, and it’s an important marking point in time in our journey together.

For those of you who missed the earlier post, I was injured playing hockey this year. I was in my defensive position in front of the net, scrapping for the puck, and took a hard fall. I sustained a concussion that has permanently sidelined me from the game. Don’t feel sorry for me. I gave as many hard shots in hockey as I took and I loved every minute of it. As my doctor said, I got hurt because I was out there living. As my coaches said, I got hurt because I was playing the game I loved, the way I loved. In some cases of sports injuries, you could be due compensation. Speak to a personal injury lawyer and see if you have a case. Unfortunately for me, the injury was just a result of playing the game I love and I knew the risks when I stepped onto the ice, so I didn’t have a case.

What the doctor and my coaches are referencing is my propensity to fully commit and go all-in no matter what I’m doing. In some areas of life I will not be the most talented or skilled person out there, but what I will be is the one giving the most effort with the best attitude. I discovered hockey in my 40’s and it was a passionate love affair from the start. Having it ripped away from me before I was ready to give it up was shattering. I’ve dealt with many difficulties and losses in my life, but this one was deeply personal.

Dealing with the consequences of the injury was sobering. I managed to get legal help from a firm similar to springfield il personal injury lawyer to pay the medical bills which helped immensely, but even so I went from a highly confident, PhD level educated individual who has always overcome whatever obstacle was in front of me, to a badly shaken person who could barely read or write a simple sentence without tremendous effort, frustration, and mistakes. My future hung in the balance. My ability to protect and provide for my family, which includes a few God-given individuals we’ve added to our family circle, was in jeopardy and I knew it. I didn’t lose any time asking why. It was just something that I had to deal with. It was easier said than done. As you can imagine, a lot of things were crossing my mind, like how I was going to afford my living expenses for the time being? Because who knows if I will be able to go to work. That’s when my friend told me about a disability insurance company like Breeze, (https://www.meetbreeze.com/disability-insurance/long-term-disability-insurance/) that she used when she needed to protect her income when she was really ill and had to take some time away from work. This is an option that I never knew existed, and she placed it right in front of me. I had something to fall back on if I needed to. But I had to make sure I thought this through before making any decisions. I just wanted to know why this happened to me. I spent a lot of time cursing. And bellowing. And crying. And then cursing some more. And then I got to it. I was finally up against an adversary I couldn’t overpower, outsmart, outlast, or in any other way use my brain to conquer. Because it was my brain that was injured.

I threw myself into rehab the same way I had thrown myself into hockey. Yes, it cost a lot, but the money I got from the Personal Injury Attorney who handled my case helped immensely. Fast forward to a few months later, and my progress is described as a lot better and a lot quicker than anyone anticipated. I was just released from intensive outpatient rehab to several more months of a home program. Along the way – and part of the deal in order to be released from intensive outpatient – was to create a new normal that I could find meaning in. My coaches and friends at the rink were awesome and helped me transition to my new role. I now serve as team photographer, concussion prevention workshop presenter, and D League Committee member. And of course I still talk the same high quality smack talk off the ice with the boys as I did on the ice. It’s all a vital part of my world.

Other parts of my life were similarly impacted. Native American drumming has replaced church choir for now. My brain can’t handle the bright stage lights and reading music yet. The much-requested Destiny workbook, which I had planned to finish last spring, was just put in the editor’s hands, several months behind schedule. My public speaking career, which was off to a promising start with more requests than I could fill, had to be put completely on hold. We are retooling our entire business model to accommodate my health needs now and for the long-term. My day job, my leadership career, thank God, gave me unparalleled support as we laughed and limped our way through the summer of some hilarious mistakes I made and many frustrating moments I experienced as I fought my way back to normal functioning. The list goes on and on, because everything changed.

As I stand on the other side of the hardest summer of my life, enormously relieved to have reached this recovery milestone, looking forward to making the expected full recovery, I am above all things exceedingly grateful. Looking back, I got two full years of playing the greatest sport on earth. Some people never get a single shift. Hockey was the most expensive, painful, priceless, exuberantly joyful, and immeasurably life transformative education I’ve ever had. The game really does change lives, no matter what age you are. I have the humbling honor of a Captain’s jersey that I earned that I still wear whenever I feel like it. I have the pleasure of a hard-won championship medal and my name forever engraved on a team trophy. No injury can ever take those things from me. And the gift of the concussion is that it finally forced me to do what God has been trying to get me to do for years – slow down and take better care of myself. I’m confident that the new plan, for the new direction, for the next evolution of my life, unexpected as it was, unwanted as it was, inescapable as it was, is exactly where I am supposed to be. Life doesn’t just move on, it moves forward. Roll with it.

I’ve missed you guys and I’m glad to be back! We’ll return to the destiny series blog in a few weeks.

Deb

Meditation until next time

Great Spirit, help me find a way to move forward when it feels like I am falling backwards. Anchor me when life’s storms come. Help me roll with the unexpected, feeling how I feel, not running from reality, processing everything that’s happening, and then forging a healthy new perspective that allows me to move in a positive direction. Thank you for always standing by me.