Leaders my Leaders, welcome back!
In addition to the five major issues we previously discussed, there are two other areas that can cause us significant problems in our private and professional lives: family of origin issues, and relationship problems. Even if you have excavated your own issues and worked them through to a good resolution, other people can keep you mired in problems that are not of your own making. If you are dealing with someone who has one of the five major impairments we’ve already covered, it will have an impact on you. It’s essential that for your own well-being and the good of your team, you find ways to put good boundary lines around the problem.
Family of origin issues can follow us right into adulthood. Unhealthy families are unable to let go of control over their members. They demand that people remain in their old roles, following old rules. If anyone deviates from that script, it is considered a betrayal and punishment swiftly follows. Families of this type are especially outraged when people grow beyond the dysfunction and get healthy. Concerted efforts are usually made to get those who have wandered from the family narrative, to resubmit to family control. It isn’t just parents either. Sometimes, parents are highly supportive of their adult children, but it is the siblings who want to keep the old family ways going because they get something out of it. It is absolutely ok to love these people anyway. But it is absolutely not ok to allow them to rob you of any aspect of your health, your relationship, or your career. If you can have a conversation to ask for the changes you need, have it. But if you think it won’t be received well, or respected, then it falls to you to either limit contact with these people, or limit the impact they have on you and your life. Don’t compromise your values or well-being for them. Hold that line. Enjoy the parts of the relationship that are good, if there are any. And either head home or take a break if things get to be too much. Make a decision in advance how you are going to respond (not react) when old stuff starts up. Then stick with your plan and make adjustments as time goes on. When you refuse to yield the healthy ground you have fought for and won for yourself and your life, other people will be forced to change how they relate to you. You might not ever change who they are, how they act, or what is wrong with them, but you will change how they relate to you and sometimes, that’s enough.
Next week we’ll talk about relationships. Until then, keep making progress so that you can break free from the issues that are holding you back!