Monthly Archives: March 2018

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The next thing we need to do is deal with the hardship that has come our way. This is especially difficult if we’ve been betrayed or violated in some way. But the truth is, as unfair as it is, it’s up to us to overcome the effects of the harm that was done. Waiting around for an amends condemns us to a life lived at the mercy of those who hurt us in the first place. Waiting around for someone else to take responsibility for cleaning up the mess we had nothing to do with is equally ineffective. Some people dig themselves into an endless rut by trying to insist someone else fix things for them because they perceive that’s the way it should be. This dynamic becomes a driving force of their life, like a layer of dirt on a window, and it impairs their vision. They are vigilant for signs someone is doing them wrong again, and they end up creating conflict for themselves where it otherwise wouldn’t exist. When a person is keeping a running tally of slights, injustices, and grievances, it is impossible for them to focus on their destiny.

Until a person is willing to deal with reality as it is, they will stay stuck, possibly for life. Letting go of the past really is that important. No it isn’t right that perpetrators rob people of their safety, but for every day we stay broken, we allow the bad guys to win by letting them steal the present day as well. Being victimized wasn’t our fault. We didn’t cause it, we didn’t choose it. But for every day we don’t work on moving forward, we choose to allow the damage to grow in our life. This is the time when that first defiant blade of grass has to shove its way upwards, and refuse to stay trapped under the ashes. Staying broken really isn’t an option. Neither is revenge. That’s God’s jurisdiction, not ours. The best revenge we can have for the wrong that’s been done to us is living such an amazing life that it stuns our adversaries and lifts us far above the plane they reside on.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to release yourself from the clutches of what others have done to you, and move forward.

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We will never move forward into the clear and joyous light of destiny until we stop dragging the past around with us. We won’t be able to make progress if the weight of the past has us stuck in place. The past holds too many people in bondage. There is no greater area for the devil to mess with us than in the area of our history. He shouts lies in our ears that wear us down over time, getting us to believe that we’re either too far gone for redemption or don’t deserve it. We can totally trust in God’s plan for our life, no matter what has come before. We’ve already claimed our resurrection power, so now we’ll talk about what needs to happen next: 1) dealing with our mistakes, 2) overcoming hardships, and 3) committing to making healthier choices. Starting this process is all that is required to start building our destiny.

While your mistakes may have had permanent consequences, they do not define who you are permanently. Every day you wake up you’re given a chance to create yourself anew. When you turn your life over to a Higher Power you become a new creation. Your guilt at this point serves no useful purpose other than informing you of what you don’t want to do again. When you don’t pursue your destiny because of mistakes in your past, you cost the world the future good you could have done that may have far exceeded any harm you ever caused. It’s also true that some mistakes do cause irreversible harm. Some cause destruction that can never be made up for, but those circumstances are rare. If this is your situation, all hope is not lost. Resolve not to compound the trauma you’ve caused, and do everything you can to put some sort of good back into the world. Make restitution in whatever way is possible.

For most of us, we’re fortunate enough that our mistakes can be dealt with by making amends. Relationships can emerge even stronger after weathering a period of conflict. This is not to excuse ourselves from responsibility, or to say what we did was ok or not a big deal. Having a negative impact in this world is a very big deal, but we can’t go back and undo history now. All we can do is take full accountability and try to make things right so we can move forward into a positive future. If a specific action or inaction can’t be made right, then perhaps the relationship as a whole can still be set right. Perhaps you can become so honoring now, that your past mistakes fade away and no longer cause any pain. Some amends are not singular acts. Some of them must be lived daily. There is no need to hang our heads in shame over this, we can’t create the future until we can see it, and we can’t see it if we don’t look up! If we hang on to guilt and shame, they can drive us to continue making mistakes that will only get worse as time goes on. The best amends we can give anyone is to not repeat what we did wrong in the first place.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to drop those chains of bondage and step free into the life you really want.

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Of final importance on this topic is our relationship with ourselves. As we are moving forward, staying centered and grounded is essential. It will take time to rein in or phase out difficult relationships and form cooperative partnerships. As we are going through the process, we need to ignore our own hype whether it is complimentary or critical. If you’re receiving accolades and being held aloft, by all means enjoy the positive atmosphere. Just don’t become a guru. Your destiny is from God and comes through you. Continue to give God the glory and you will have the staying power to be that beacon of light during the creation of your destiny and beyond. Conversely, you are not ruining anyone else’s world by pursuing your God given destiny. Some may try to lay a heavy burden of guilt at your feet, take offense to your new direction, or find a hundred other ways to oppose what you’re doing. The good news is, when people who try to disrupt your progress see you remain serenely unaffected, they’ll move on to someone else. They don’t really care who it is, they live for the drama they can create in the moment. Don’t buy into their hollow words and petty actions. Distractions are temporary. Your destiny is eternal.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to be true to you.

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When we have done our best and problems still aren’t resolved, we are then faced with the choice between sacrificing ourselves on the altar of another person’s dysfunction, or standing our ground and refusing to participate in unhealthy interactions any longer. We can choose to hand the responsibility for that person’s life back to them, rather than continuing to be burdened with carrying it ourselves. Just like we can’t perform anyone else’s physical exercise for them, we can’t conduct anyone else’s emotional life for them either. When you carry the load meant for someone else to handle, it robs both of you of the opportunity to grow and thrive. Laying down someone else’s load can be one of the healthiest breakthroughs we ever make in our lives. We aren’t here to sacrifice ourselves for others. We are here to create something new and good. God called a halt to sacrificial offerings a long time ago. We’d be very wise to stop climbing back up on the altar.

For your most important relationships, if people are generally supportive of you, talk with them about your destiny and how much their support at this time would mean to you. Most of those folks will be excited about your new direction and delighted to help any way they can. These people become the rocks upon which you find refuge and strength. Take steps to grow the healthy inner circle by putting yourself in a position to meet people who will play a pivotal role in your life. Take a class related to your destiny. Join groups or clubs who offer gatherings of kindred spirits. Get involved in a spiritual community. Take up a new sport. There are a million ways to get proactively engaged in life, and when you do it strategically it can pay big dividends. Once you take the first step, you’ll be amazed at how God suddenly starts connecting you with people who are already living healthy lives, who make good role models or mentors, who will be wildly enthusiastic about your destiny, and who will become some of your biggest fans and advocates. And you’ll become a friend to them as well, sharing in their life and enjoying a mutually supportive and life-affirming relationship. If you’re hesitant to open up because you’ve gone through a lot of hardship in your life with other people, if trust has been violated and you’ve had a wary eye ever since, this is a powerful area of healing for you. The Bible says God repays us much more than anyone stole from us. It is possible that the new and healthy relationships God will grace you with, will make you forget the pain of the past, and provide you with an area of abundance where there used to be lack.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to get down off the altar and be on your way.

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Change in your relationships can happen incrementally as well. There may be someone who crowds you, or who is so wrapped up in their own issues they aren’t able to be there for you right now, or who simply feels they can’t support you anymore. In rare instances, when other attempts to resolve problems have failed and it’s a person you need to have ongoing contact with, it may be necessary to do a “pattern interrupt” to set the relationship on a healthier track. This neuro-linguistic programming technique can be highly effective but should be used sparingly and as a last resort. It is usually a jarring experience for the other party, but it is sometimes the only way to shift the dynamics enough to save the relationship, or to enforce boundaries that just aren’t being respected. Relationships that can’t adapt after a pattern interrupt have no hope left, barring a miracle. Some relationships really are meant for just a season in our life. Some folks don’t want us to be more successful than they are, and if we grow beyond that threshold then they’re done with us. Others are great friends when life is hard, but once we decide to rise above our circumstances we have nothing left in common. Someone who is negative by nature may not be willing to tolerate our positive new direction. For others, we may serve as a painful mirror. They love us and wish us well, but it’s just too hard for them to have us around. We’re too great of a reminder that their life is not turning out the way they hoped it would. There are many reasons why relationships break down or fade away and you don’t need to feel guilty about letting go of relationships that are destructive to you in some way.

Thankfully in most cases gradual changes will in fact shift things in the direction you need them to go. If you no longer behave in unhealthy ways, then people are by definition required to relate to you differently and better. To make a gradual adjustment, if you’ve tried to talk things through and haven’t been heard or respected, or if the person is in a place of not being able to have the conversation at this point in time, then it can be effective to step back slowly. Gradually spend less time together, be available less often, starting saying no to or delaying requests that don’t work for you, and don’t share as much about your life. You will probably encounter resistance, but keep in mind that temper tantrums or emotional meltdowns about healthy boundaries are confirmation of the need to set the limit. It is not that we want to intentionally cause anyone pain. If we’ve made good faith efforts to work things out and the other person chooses not to cooperate with creating a new and healthier relationship, there’s really nothing else we can do, we’ve fully done our part. Some people have limited self-awareness. Others refuse to deal with reality. Some have a scarcity mentality and believe that if your dreams are coming true it means theirs can’t. Others have an entitlement mentality and think that everyone else is there to serve them. Whatever the other person’s issue, your job is to handle yourself well and let the natural consequences play out accordingly.

Until next time, I’ll be praying that you figure out what needs to shift, and then incrementally have at it!

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Especially while starting out, it’s a good protective strategy not to make a major announcement about your destiny and what your plan for reaching it is. Don’t set yourself up for more heartbreak by letting people who are already some degree of unsupportive have the chance to be unsupportive about this too. Here’s another analogy. Mothers don’t run out into the middle of the town square to give birth publicly. They seek a private place that will be nurturing for them and welcoming for the baby. Only their trusted professionals and closest support people get to be present for the birth. So it is with your destiny. Don’t offer it up as fodder in the town square. Find a private, nurturing place in which to do your praying and your planning. Gather your closest, most trusted people around you and share progress with them as it comes, until like a human child your destiny has grown up enough to withstand some bumps and spills out in the larger world.

Making adjustments to relationships can happen in a variety of ways. Strive to resolve problems while preserving relationships, and not make any bad situations you’re facing even worse. You want to do your part to create a positive environment. You may be the first example someone has ever seen who actually rose above their circumstances and went on to a better life. Learn to distinguish the difference between someone who is hesitant about what you’re doing, and someone who is genuinely unsupportive. Try to keep talking through things, be a good friend to them, and have compassion for where they are at. They don’t have to adjust overnight, there is time to work things out. As time passes it will become clear who believes in your destiny and who doesn’t. You may already have a good instinctive sense of this, but it may take time to confirm it. No matter what kind of adjustment you decide needs to be made, pray for the other person. One of my father’s last lessons to me, and it holds profound wisdom, was “pray for your enemies, you never know what they might be going through.” Note that he didn’t say to keep putting up with their nonsense, or subjecting yourself to harm. No, he was a big believer in taking action to set things right in every area of our lives, but he was also realistic that not every person would treat us well. He wanted me to do what he did, to rise above the fray by keeping myself safe, and by not harboring any anger or resentment. He wanted me to know there is freedom in praying for our enemies and it brings great blessings for everyone involved.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to pray for your enemies. Just try it, and watch the power that unfolds.

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The first and best thing we can do to protect our efforts is to prevent negative influences from even being around us to begin with. You’ll need to balance both tightening and growing your inner circle. Some current relationships will need to be adjusted, and new ones will need to be cultivated. Chances are if you’re like most of us, you have a mix of people in your life. There are people who are steadfast encouragers, people who you share large parts of your daily life with, people who are difficult to be around, and most likely a person or two who has serious issues and a tendency to create negative outcomes. If you’re like most of us you probably love all of them despite the challenges they bring to your life. While you will need to make adjustments in some of these relationships, it’s not likely you’ll need to actually cut anybody out of your life completely. Perhaps you will, and only you can decide that for yourself. If the problems aren’t fixable, if healthy dynamics aren’t possible, if the impact on you is destructive, don’t despair. God never removes a person who injects poison into our lives, without replacing them with someone who holds healing power for us.

At worst, a few people may go so far as to erect fences around us to keep us locked within their world. If we didn’t agree to the fence, opposed it, or tried to climb over it, some will go so far as electrifying the fence to keep us within its confines. This may keep us trapped temporarily. But the beautiful thing about pursuing your destiny is that you will progressively lift yourself up until a day comes when you’ll just naturally rise up out of that circumstance and be free. Many of us had had barriers we’ve needed to overcome. But it’s crucial to remember that you are not alone. Don’t abandon hope. Keep moving in the direction God is calling you to and your problems will eventually be resolved. Your problems don’t need to be your focus right now, your destiny does. Do what you can, and let God handle the rest.

At the same time, I am certainly not recommending that you stomp around declaring people unfit for your life. Do what you need to do to make your destiny your reality. You don’t want to look back at the end of your life and regret giving up your destiny for someone who had a problem with it. You also don’t want to regret tossing someone overboard who still could have played a positive role in your life. You are the sole expert on the relationships in your life and what needs to be done to improve them. The point is that your destiny doesn’t need to be adjusted to please other people. Relationships need to be adjusted to protect your destiny.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to grab negativity by the horns and banish it from your life!

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Pursuing your destiny is going to change you in positive and life altering ways. As you bring your daily life more closely into alignment with your true purpose, it can’t help but change the way you experience and interact with the world. You’ll become a positive force for good, sending out a ripple wave of hope, faith, and wisdom. To some you will become a beacon of light in a sometimes confusing and distressing world. But sadly, for others you will become a lighting rod for hostility and resentment because you are moving forward in life. These are likely to be the folks that ridicule your dreams, harass you, and otherwise make deliberate attempts to make you feel bad or trip you up. It can be very helpful to remember that ridicule and bullying are reflections of the perpetrator, not of you.

Aggressive behavior is a neon sign displaying a person’s lack of maturity. These folks often think they are hilarious, or are showing off how “big” they are. What they don’t realize is that such behavior advertises that they are spiritual infants on the maturity scale, and clearly have issues in their life they have not yet resolved. Knowing that doesn’t lessen the pain they cause but it can minimize the damage. While the bully tries to make their actions the fault of their victim, at the core it is always about the bully. If it wasn’t that particular victim, it would be someone else, and chances are at any given moment in time it’s several victims. If someone is hassling you about your destiny, step back and take a good look at the individual and their life. You will not see a shining example of maturity, responsibility, accountability, or someone who is developing their God given talents. Their fruit on the tree does not even remotely resemble anything you want to create in your own life, and that serves as evidence that they do not know what they are talking about in regards to you.

As painful as their words might be, don’t absorb them. No one has the right to steal your destiny from you. No one. God gave it to you and no human being has the right or the power to take it away. God anointed you to complete the task He ordained you to fulfill during your lifetime. That’s why you’re here. We need to accept the reality that not everyone will support our new life and then prepare for that, so we can handle it skillfully when it does happen.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to embrace the new you, and everything it’s going to require to keep making forward progress.

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People in unhealthy social groups never seem to think about the impact their advice will have on the other person’s life. They just want to spout off their own opinions. And that’s all they are is opinions, not facts. There really are people out there that take pleasure in stirring up trouble. They are usually people with great unhappiness of their own. There are also people who make unhealthy choices and as long as you do the same, it helps them justify their own actions. We’ve all encountered the meddlers and naysayers who sneer and jeer from the sidelines. While they can be disconcerting to run into, step back and take a good look. They’re on the sidelines, you’re in the game. You’re an athlete on the field, they are just a noisy spectator. Pay as much attention to them as you would to a drunken fan at a ball game. It’s trivial to you, so don’t take the bait or fall into the trap by engaging. If you’d rather be a spectator to someone else’s dreams instead of a full creator of your own, then go ahead and let the naysayers make your decisions for you. If you want God’s best for you, then go your own way and make your own choices.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you to find the strength to say “no” when no needs to be said.

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Keep in mind that as much as they may love you, whether it is conscious or not, a few people may have a vested interest in keeping you stuck. Your pursuit of your destiny may be seen as a betrayal of group culture that dictates a person shouldn’t be educated, sober, kind, or financially successful. But family bloodlines and group memberships do not mean lifelong bondage. Ultimately, you are a child of the King that that tie supersedes any other.

You need to decide for yourself if you’d rather look back and be happy because you pursued your destiny, or if you’d rather look back and say other people were happy because you didn’t. It’s unfortunate that some groups place so much pressure on their members to conform, rather than supporting them to grow into the fullness of what God has called each individual member to be. Only you can judge if this is your situation. Even if that’s the case, it is probably not necessary for you to sever relationships completely. You can still go enjoy Thanksgiving dinner or other gatherings without discussing this aspect of your life. It isn’t really about people’s presence in your life, it’s about the power you allow them to have over the decisions you make. My personal policy is that when someone starts paying my mortgage and takes over full responsibility for all my obligations, then they can start telling me what to do. Otherwise, I get to make the decisions. I don’t listen to people who aren’t invested in me, my family, or my dreams. I’ve seen too many lives be seriously limited by the company people keep.

Until next time, I’ll be praying for you as you decide whether or not the group cultures you are a part of are going to help you get where you really want to go.